Communication - The Central Core of Relationships is How You Communicate

By Gail Solish, Personal/Executive Coach

Your style of communication greatly impacts your relationships. The more aware you are of how you communicate, the more powerful and positive your communications will be.

According to Student Services of Wilfred Laurier University there are 4 communication styles. They are:

• Assertive - open, direct and willing to express your opinion and beliefs honestly
• Passive - Suppression of your opinions and beliefs in order to please others and to avoid conflict
• Aggressive – pushing for what you want through intimidation and nullifying the feelings and opinions of others.
• Passive-Aggressive – conveying your ideas indirectly through a third party, using sarcasm or body language.

It is quite possible that you have used several of these styles at various points in your life or in different situations.  However recognizing what you are doing and the impact it has on others is an asset.

In my work, I often encounter people who believe they are being clear and responsive in their communication.  However their demeanor is such that they appear dismissive and impatient.  Although their words might be saying one thing, their tone and body language is saying something quite different.

I once overheard an employer speaking to a staff member in the hallway.  He was dissatisfied with way a presentation had gone.  His voice kept getting louder and more sarcastic. (Aggressive & Passive Aggressive Styles)  The employee looked quite uncomfortable and was already feeling upset about the presentation not going well, but was now embarrassed and upset about the way the boss was speaking to them publicly. (Passive Style)  What does this tell you about the employer-employee relationship?

A couple who were dealing with relationship issues had a disagreement.  Both were clearly upset and had their individual perspectives about what had occurred.  Much of their behaviour was based on assumptions, but the most striking factor was how their individual communication styles contributed to their difficulties in resolving the situation.

His speech became terse, loud and somewhat intimidating. (Aggressive Style)  She became quiet, withdrawn and then began finding fault with everything he did. (Initially Passive Style and then became Aggressive and critical.)  It would have been interesting to tape their conversation so they could hear their patterns.  Until this was pointed out they were unaware of what they were doing and how it impacted each other.

When you are using the Assertive Style to communicate - and when others speak to you in this style - you can experience an interesting, rewarding conversation.  Recently while traveling in another country, I encountered people who were great communicators.  What were the factors that made them great?  They were pleasant, helpful and smiled a great deal.  They would ask questions to clarify and appeared genuinely interested in the conversation.   The result was I felt heard and respected.

So what does this tell us?  Being aware of your communication style and the style of others is very valuable.  Listening and asking questions for clarification creates an environment which invites collaborative interaction.  When you are upset, annoyed, or angry – be careful how you deliver the message, it can greatly influence the results.  Your relationships are affected by your communication style every day.  Be mindful of what you are saying and how you are saying it.

Copyright © 2007 by Gail Solish.  All rights reserved.

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About the Author

Gail Solish, MSW, RSW provides Executive/Personal coaching to managers, directors and executives focused on workplace development and relationship management. Claim your FR-EE e-course “Unleash Your Potential and Increase Productivity and Fulfillment” at http://www.ActualizeYourGoals.com or contact Gail at 416-322-0029.